Sunday, July 29, 2012

Read me





I envy people who can read themselves like an open book. Sometimes I really don't know what I want, & I feel like I am just floating with the current. Instead, I am supposed to be swimming towards the direction I want to go right?

What I can say is somethings are beyond my control, perhaps I have a very low EQ, but I find it hard to control my emotions. Especially when it comes to relationships between people.

I am having some troubles with my friend. Maybe that's why I am feeling particularly emotional these days. How do you give up a relationship with someone built over the years? Obviously there is a reason that triggered this, I am just unhappy being with you. I really don't know what to do. I guess I'll just leave it as it is. Of course I won't be all childish and call you to tell you we are no longer friends, but I guess I will just stop putting effort into it.

Ugh the more I type the more horrible I feel. I feel like I cannot share this with anyone, not even Chris.

& that leads to yet another problem. See, I told you that relationships are not my forte.

I use to be able to share everything with my boyfriend. Every secret every thought, but somehow not anymore. It is not that I love him any less, I just don't feel like talking about it.

Maybe Skyping is just not the mode of communication for me, I always feel one of us would be doing something else. Also, I don't think anyone can provide me a solution for this - a solution to make me feel like I'm less of a bitch. Whenever I see you I have so much to tell you that I end up telling you nothing.

Sometimes saying something out loud is like admitting to it. Thinking about it in my mind is one thing, but actually talking and telling someone this just makes me feel like this problem is real and not avoidable.

But anyway, not being able to share my thoughts with my closest one make me feel very sad.





Monday, July 23, 2012
I have been holidaying back home for 3 months already, and I have exactly 30 days left in Malaysia. Then  I'll be back there again for 9 months! I'll be spending the winter holidays there, since it is too short for me to travel across the globe, twice. 

I know I never talk about my life there much, I didn't even blog at all when I was there. Instagram, Twitter and Facebook was enough for me to document my life there. But right now I am regretting, cause I really want to read about it! I probably was over whelmed and also settling down, and I probably forgot my fcuking password (again). 

So 4 months of living there I want to sum up of what I think about Pennsylvania and the people there. LOL. I never really been out of Erie, mostly I was there, a week in Miami, 2 days in Pittsburg and a few airports across the country. 


My life there probably consist of 

1. walking to class in the snow. 
Erie is by the lake. This lake is so huge it looks like an ocean. Due to the strategic location, when it snows, it really snows and the temperature drops very low. My friends told me last winter it was snowing exceptionally little, and it was particularly warm. My explanation for it was it's 2012. 

Okay anyway, when it snows it's so bad that I cannot walk with my head up cause snow gets into my eye and I can't see shit. Sometimes the snow is really hard and it's like tiny rocks hitting my face. Sometimes it's like bird shit, slush snow. Sometimes it is really powdery and fine, that is the best. Like God is sifting flour onto Earth.




When the snow is thick enough, people like to sledge down sloped with stolen trays from the cafeteria. 



...like that. 

I did that only once though. Sooo cold. My jeans get soaked afterwards when the snow melts. My socks too. 



2. Going to Walmart. 

Walmart is open 24/7, and there's 2 of them near me. Before I met Chris I usually visit the ghetto one, because that's the only Walmart the bus brings us to. Then I had Chris and he was nice enough to fetch me places, then I get to go to the non ghetto one. Yayy. 

Going to Walmart to buy groceries and food is one of the best entertainment. & it is fun to buy things that are usually expensive in Malaysia for a cheaper price, & there's a lot of cool delicious looking stuff on sale. Like all kinds of microwavable food! &Haagen Daaz is so cheap.




Then we started to go to Wegman's, superior supermarket to Walmart. It's like, Cold Storage and Giant here in Malaysia. Normally I get fresh fruits from Wegman's. & Sometimes when I'm cooking at Chris's apartment we will go shop at Wegman's first. & sometimes I go shopping at Wegman's with Jane, browsing through every aisle taking us forever, but I have a lot of fun. :D


3. Eating







...and so much more. Especially bagels. My diet there made me gain a lot of weight when I came back. I really don't want to go back there and become fat again. =.=


4. Being my room.

& drinking tea. Doing laundry, folding them, hanging them. Sometimes I look forward to those nights when my roommate goes home. Then I get some private time. 

I do homework in my room too, don't really go to the library cause it's freezing outside and I don't want to go out!

I Skype my family there too, spend hours talking to them. Oh and I whatsapp my friends here from my room most of the time, talkbox my dear Queennie there too. Camwhore in my room sometimes. Stare at the snow outside and cranking up the heater in my room. 

This is the view from my room when it snows. Isn't it romantic??

That's the name of the dorm I'm staying in. Those icicles are deadly. 





5. Spend weekends with my friends!

I love weekends. ;)


6. Admiring greenness. 

Spring time then came, it was still chilly, but it's getting much greener everyday. Season changing is so amazing. 








That's basically my life there. All that plus Chris. (: 

I enjoy it there, I have time to study and play. I like the weather also (sometimes), even though it is physically uncomfortable, but it's a beautiful sight. 

& I learn a lot of things, like doing my own chores and cleaning after myself. I learnt to look after other people too.

Communicating with my friends and family back in Malaysia wasn't hard, there was Whatsapp and Talkbox and Skype. But it really made me wish I was with them, when my plane touched Malaysian earth and the captain said, 'Too all Malaysians, welcome home". I almost cried. hahah. 



Okay this post took me forever. At least I kind of summed up States for the first time, I won't feel my blog is incomplete anymore. :P 


Friday, July 20, 2012

4 Days


Wow I finally picked up my lazy bum to recover my forgotten password and blog. 

I have so much to say and nobody to say it to! 

I don't even know where to start.


Chris came to visit me for 4 days, and I just sent him back to Thailand few hours ago. He should have landed by now but I won't bug him yet. 

Malaysia feels quieter without him, this few days of dating reminded me of how 'dating' feels like. The last time I was actually on a date in Malaysia was a little shy of a year ago. I know right? How time flies. It is amazing what can happen in just one year. 

Right now, frankly, I feel head over heels in love with him. I know this sounds crazy and stupid, I am trying my best to keep my head above the water and not be too blinded. I just cannot help it. Maybe it is the 5 months buzz thing still going on, I don't know what it is. I'm just going to enjoy this moment and hope for the best. 

I had such a blast for the past few days, it was great. Discovered many things I like about him, and shared many laughters. I just had a blast! Thank you so much for making this trip, really. 

I didn't take many pictures. I am not a professional blogger, maybe I should try harder next time. Lol. 


Basically he stayed at Sunway, I brought him to Sunway Pyramid (duh), ate Sushi Zanmai and then Sumika for dinner. Japanese food overload I know, but that is his favorite cuisine! (: 

On the second day we went to KL. Brought him to KLCC, Pavilion & Starhill. Had lunch at the food court below Lot 10, and dinner at BBQ Plaza. 

The next day we went to Melaka with Jane. It was nice catching up with her!! I like hanging out with both of them. I usually don't like being with a friend and a boyfriend at the same time (well technically Jane is my cousin), but with her I really don't feel awkward or anything. Thoroughly enjoyed your company cousin! Had chicken rice balls, cendol, pork satay for lunch, and then OUG night market for pre-dinner (asam laksa) , and then home cooked dinner by mum with my siblings. (: 

Last day, today, had Pork Noodle at ss15, and then went to Gardens to hang out.


4 days passed by so fasts, it was very fulfilling also. Now, another month till I get to see you again na tee rak!  



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Everything new

There's so much to update! I don't know where to start.



1. Phuket
I just returned from my Phuket trip last night. I've been there for the third time, and we stayed at the same hotel, same room again. On the second day of the trip I felt that it was really boring and I would not return to Phuket again. But now, I miss that place. Sort of. It was boring, but it was nice too. Lying around in a pretty resort, room service and water slides, those are always perfect combos.




 


 2. LDR
Ok. This might be a sensitive topic. One of my close friend just broke up, I think. Anyway it's been a rocky relationship for her recently cause her boyfriend went to study abroad. Some relationship survives the distance, and some just break. As an outsider, I feel that I know how the distance 'ruined' them. I see both point of views, but I have no solution. I don't want to say it, but I feel like I have 'been there, done that'.

They were so close together before the boy went away to study, that the girl just cannot get used to it. It doesn't help that the girl doesn't have a big circle of friends. I can tell that she loves the guy very much and just wants to spend time with him. But boys being boys, he likes his freedom to do things and doesn't want to be 'tied-down' in front of the computer spending hours skyping.

I feel that I can relate to her, cause I was in a situation similar to hers. I don't say exactly cause I don't even remember what the situation was for me. Seriously, I feel like I have some sort of amnesia. I don't remember much of how I felt with the ex.

Anyway, I understand how it feels but I have no solution for her. I think this problem is unsolvable unless both of them change their attitude, one less clingy, and the other one more sensitive. & attitudes and mindsets are really hard to change.


xxx

I myself is trying to maintain a LDR. My boyfriend lives in Thailand. I'm very, very lucky that our relationship is now going pretty well despite the distance. He is often busy, my mum told me she has never heard of a young man having to attend so many meetings.  But I am blessed that despite his business he texts me during the day and we Skype at night.

Sometimes I am surprised at myself, that despite this distance I am still very much in love with him. & mind you, we are only 100 days old. 100 days old are supposed to be the crazy-in-love period in the relationship, how agonizing is it to be away from him. ):

I think the reason that this is working for me is that I believe he misses me, and I believe that he thinks of me. There is no need for me to constantly bug him to talk to me or reply my texts. I know this is very cheesy, but it's true. Vice versa, even though I don't text him constantly, he is always somewhere in my mind. We live our life separately, but a small part of it together.

(Man I hope I don't have to eat my words in the future.)

xxx

I learnt from observation and experience that if you constantly try to talk to your boyfriend, or to tie him down, he will not be happy. Just let him be.

But then again, I couldn't do that before because I didn't trust the ex. & I was right, I couldn't trust him because he lied. Sometimes women's instinct are very accurate, if you feel suspicious or you know that he is the type who like to manipulate and lie, chances are he is doing some form of cheating.

Men like this are too immature, and undeserving of your faith in him. So just screw them and move on to better men. I know it is hard, but it has got to happen.. 人生流流长, 总要爱上几个人渣的 (directly translates to life is long, you inevitably will fall in love with a few assholes).


3. Mushroom soup

Queennie coming over later. I'm going to teach her the secret to my secret mushroom soup. Cooking is an awesome weapon to get guys ok. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. :P


So excuse me now I have to go and learn to make a crepe cake.



....

Fuck. Have I turned into the make-me-a-sandwitch-girlfriend?

Monday, May 14, 2012

Another chapter.

I know, I know.

Ok.

I know nothing. I don't know.


How does one move on from one relationship to another? Surprisingly, it comes very naturally. I don't remember how it felt to be in this stage of relationship with my ex boyfriend, so I cannot compare.

The last time I had a boyfriend of 2 months was 3 years ago, so I don't remember anything.

It feels weird you know, to be a stranger to who was once so close to you. & you wonder how can you ever 'get over it him'. You just do. So I guess this is the ending to my once upon a time love story? From the beginning, to the peak, to the gallows, and now this. All recorded in this little blog of mine.






I know I didn't blog for the whole 4 months in the States, some feelings were so personal I couldn't share it. & also, my life was really filled up... Oh, not forgetting I didn't had the DSLR with me. I couldn't take any artsy-fartsy photographs. My dad said I can bring the DSLR with me this time when I go back, lets hope he keeps his word.


I'll come up with a proper update soon. I just feel like I should do a very brief introduction to my life right now, cause this 4 months of absence was a really big change.




1.
Like the beginning of the post suggested, I'm dating again! I can go on and on about this, but I figure I'll let it out slowly in the following post. I'm pretty happy with my new love, but there are times when I'm afraid of history repeating itself. I hold back sometimes, but I free fall most of the time (typical woman). He is not from Malaysia, so right now it's kind of an LDR. I'm quite okay with that, I don't cry cause I miss him even though I do. Maybe I finally grown up (a little). I'm trying to keep my mind clear, and like i said before 'calm the fuck down'. More about that I promise.

As mature and as 'in control' I sound, he does make me happy. He surprises me with how happy I can be, & that I deserve to be happy. So yeah. Thank you God for putting him in my life.

But then now I'm kinda annoyed at him. Lol. He keeps working and I don't get to talk to him and it's annoying! Ok anyway moving on.




2.
My cousin, Jane, whom once was an acquaintance with blood relations is now my good friend! It's weird how fate works, really. I use to see her once or twice a year, and I never thought that Jane & I could have so much to talk about! I'm really glad that she's studying in Penn State with me. She's unbelievably nice, and just so much fun to be around.



I think those are the more prominent changes, I just wanted to write that down so that whenever I write Jane, or mr.bf, I wouldn't feel like nobody gets who I'm talking about.


Other than that. I'm still pretty much the same. Just better. hahaha. whatever. This post is going to come to an abrupt end right about.... now.
Friday, May 11, 2012

tee rukkkk.

Ola. Comosta? 



Lol. It's 7.30am right now and I'm skyping with tee rukkk. Had a really really bad nightmare last night. ): So glad he is jet lagged and he can talk to me... 

I'm back from States already, time flies right! I really enjoyed my time there, so much that I didn't bother to write any post. Sometimes I feel that feelings are too personal to be shared. Right now I'm blogging and it's kind of contradicts with my thoughts but whatever I'm bored. 

I was really excited to be able to come home and eat all the food and see my friends... but now since I'm here I'm not so excited. It's getting really boring. Later I'm going out with the bestest best friend in the world, Queennie! Her mum is making my favorite noodle! Omg #excitesss

As excited as I am to be able to eat, omg I'm so fat. People who are close to me are probably annoyed at me cause I keep saying I'm fat. But really, I AM FAT LIAO. ): Maybe I'm going to have my period soon. I don't know... 


Also I don't feel like shopping anymore cause I shopped at States and all the nice stores are there. & things sold here are overpriced. 

See my life is boring. For now. 


 

Ok there are so many things I want to say, but I still don't have the balls to say it out cause I feel like it's so private. Give me a few days or two. I'll start yakking on my blog again. 


For now I'm going to think of what to eat for breakfast, but unfortunately I have no appetite. ): 
Monday, January 30, 2012

Long time no see!

I'm 3 weeks in over here in the States!

When people back in Malaysia chat with me, they would normally go, 

"Hey, how's US treating you?"
"How are you in US?" 

It's hard for me to really give an accurate answer, so normally I would just say, "Oh I'm good". It depends on my mood. When I'm happy, I'd go, "yeah I'm starting to like it".


Honestly, I like it here. Just sometimes it gets a little frustrating cause of loneliness and boredom. 



Let's start with my room, 



That's my side of the room. The opposite side is my room mate's, Victoria. 




As you can see the only place to relax is the study table's chair, or my bed. I don't really like to lie on my bed all the time, but I do appreciate that I sleep right next to the window. Waking up to this view everyday is awesome. Especially if it was all green before you sleep, and you wake up to a white world. 

But walking to class in the snow is not so nice especially when it's really windy. The snow is sometimes fine, but sometimes it's like tiny rocks. So yeah that sucks. 

& also, I like my curtains open. I prefer the room bright and airy looking, also I know that helps with the depression I go through sometimes. BUT, my room mate likes it dark. So that sucks too.

Like right now, her boyfriend is staying over. ( I KNOW RIGHT). So they are watching football and the room is pretty dim. Im surviving now from the lights of my study table. 

Her boyfriend comes over during the weekends. & he is a very nice guy, so is Victoria. She is very neat and a great room mate, I get along pretty well with her. That's why I tolerate how her boyfriend comes over... Eventhough it doesn't really bug me, but it gets kinda inconvenient when I want some peace and quiet/ privacy. They're in the room 24/7, either napping or watching TV. 








That place is called Dobbins, it's a buffet type thing. So basically I have already paid for my meals there, it's around $1.50 for breakfast, Don't know how much for lunch, & $4.75 for dinner/brunch. 

It's really nice to be able to have a full blown breakfast every morning. There's everything you'll ever want in a western breakfast! Waffles, pancakes, tater tots, latte, mocha, hot chocolate, yogurt, omelet, fruits, oats, dried fruits etc. & having the view of trees and the lake is a great start for the day! 


I think that's pretty much it about my daily life here in Behrend. All I do is sleep, eat & go to class. When I'm lucky, I get to get on someone's car to grocery shop and buy some snacks. When I'm free and not lazy, I go to the gym. That pretty much sums up my life here. Wow when I type it out it comes out so depressing and pathetic, its actually not that bad in real life (sort of). 








So anyway it's 8.50pm here, I'm currently slightly depressed for a few reasons. ): 

1. I want my room to be bright and the TV to shut up.

2. I want to be alone   Actually, I'm quite afraid to be alone. I think I will breakdown or something if I was. 

3. I'm kind of disappointed with myself. For 3 reasons, first, I got my accounting test result back and I got a B+, 1 more mark away from A-! FML. I'm so stupid I must work super hard already. I got 88%, 89% then A already you know. I feel so stressed to keep up with the Asians here, cause it seems like everyone has a at least 3.5 GPA. The second & third reason is a really long story. So I'm not going there.

4. I miss being at home. I miss driving around, I miss having control of my room. I can on the lights whenever I want. I miss my soft bed. & shopping and eating with my mum. & I miss Queennie & Jia Jia. & Yen & Erika. & Asians. 

5. I feel stupid. I keep losing things. I carry a bag pack around and wear 3 layer of clothes & I feel it's hard to keep track of where everything is. LOL. I know it sounds silly but yeah. 

6. Monday blues. My day starts at 7am tomorrow and I have stuff lined up till 10pm. Loong day. Oh & my period came last night. Double whammy. 



Okay. I have to go and do the rest of my homework now. See you soon! 



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Somewhere over the atlantic sea







The view from the plane as I was flying from LAX to Detroit. I think most of the USA has buildings all over it. Cause the view is mostly streetlights and lights from the building. Really pretty!




Had a bagel, coffee and chicken noodle soup with a friend I made at Detroit airport. (: 


I love it! Chicken noodle soup is my favorite American food!



This is the view of Erie. Taken from the plane. 

This is Erie airport! After 4+10+5+6 = 25 hours of traveling, I'm finally here!



This is a part of my campus. The snow has melted so you can see the green grass. Unfortunately it will be snowing again. It's in the middle of the winter. The weather is good today, but when it's windy, it's just freezing! It's about 2 degrees outside, but it's sunny, so it makes all the difference. The weather is still tolerable.

The reason I talked so much about the weather is. The coldness demotivates me to take pictures cause my bony fingers just couldn't take the coldness! So yeah, not many photos.. Unfortunately.



That's a picture I took outside Wal-Mart. It's during sunset, around 5pm. 




Look at all that microwavable food!! It's crazy. There's microwavable everything. So I bought some too, haven't got around to try it. 




I made some friends, if you're curious. But I don't think we have reached the 'let's take a picture together' stage. So. Haha I don't know if we will ever reach that stage so let's just wait and see. 


I'm not as homesick as I was, cause life is actually pretty laid-back here. All I have to do is go to class, do homework and eat. I have a room mate by the way, her name is Victoria. I'm so thankful to have such a nice room-mate! She is very nice and very easy to get along. I would be the more difficult room mate unfortunately. I think I'm more messy. ): Tryna change okay! Cut me some slack


I'll take more pictures soon! see you <3 




Wednesday, January 4, 2012

4/1/12, 6.33pm.

Location: Somewhere over Hong Kong.





I’m blogging from the plane. There isn’t any wifi so this post will be posted later, when I’m landed at Taipei – if I have the time and connection.

The day has finally come! I’m leaving my family and my home, in the plane to a super foreign land with foreign people.

I can’t even sleep cause there are a million thoughts racing through my mind… I miss home so much. I miss my mum and my dad… I miss having company.

I keep asking myself if there’s anything I’m looking forward to after I land. I guess right now I look forward to actually arriving at Erie the most. I cannot wait to get all this flying time done with. There’s still more than 24 hours to go until I actually reach Erie.

I’m quite glad that I’m making this journey alone, even though I feel very miserable. I would feel worst if I had to drag my parents along to this long and tedious journey!


I am excited to start studying, and settling down to my new environment… But if my family was here with me, I’d be more excited. 

It never occurred to me how unready I am. I have a ton of things to do. & I have to do all this without my mum. Sigh I don’t know, I’m already on the plane there. No turning back, not that I want to. It’s time to learn to be independent.






Before leaving, I hugged my parents good bye. Actually when I hugged my mum I was still capable of hiding my tears. I knew I was going to cry but I was adamant not to cry in front of her. I know she will feel sad if she sees me crying. But after that my dad gave me a hug and I just exploded.




While I bury my head in my dad’s shoulder he told me to be strong, like him. When I just broke up with Jun Wei, he said the same thing to me. That was what that motivated me to fight my challenges.


Gosh I’m tearing while I type this, I hope the girl sitting next to me don’t find it too weird.  Lol.


The people sitting in front of me, I reckon are a bunch of students are all laughing and stuff. I feel like a weakling cause I am so miserable. Many of my friends are studying overseas, how is it that they can manage it and I cannot?

 I hope this feeling of weakness is just temporary. I’ll always miss my mum and dad, but I have to stop feeling like this. I have to be strong like my dad!



Right the plane is landing. 1.5 hours later I’m getting back on. How am I going to survive the next  20 something hours in the plane and airports? T.T


Sunday, January 1, 2012

HAPPY 2012!



Happy New Year 



I have a feeling that this will be the most legendary year so far. I had a good start. I went for a dinner with Jia Jia. Japanese food, oh glorious prawn tempura how I love you. &later, we were joined by Wen Zhi to go fireworks watching by the hill. He got me some flowers as a farewell gift, thank you so much. (: 

The fireworks were amazing. I failed to catch it on camera unfortunately. ): I really don't know how to take picture of it! I was at multiple countdown parties at once, there are fireworks going off at every corner of the skyline! & then there are fireworks above our heads too. <3 


xxx

I'm leaving on Wednesday, today is Sunday. 

I'm really freaking out, it's like being forced to grow up!

"Sue Ann, you're 20 now (sort of)! It's about time you grow up!" 

Really? Do I have to? Damn. ): 




My mum has been doing all the packing for me, and my dad, the financing. I'm a useless pile of cow dung I know. I am not looking forward to leaving, I think that's why I've been putting off packing. I don't know if I'll be able to do this!

I feel fear, like genuine fear. & it's not fear of traveling alone or being kidnapped etc. It's the fear of being alone. Fear of growing up, and never being able to be who I am today. It's ridiculous but it's real.


Major freak out time... I've never felt this way all my life, other than when I'm on a roller coaster crawling up the tracks. There's no way out and I can only face the fear alone, and it's sure to be a hell of a ride...


How am I going to get through all the customs and departure gates and all that?
How am I going to lug my huge luggage around an airport I've never been before?
How am I going to go buy all the necessities from scratch- on my own?
Who am I going to go tell when there's interesting stuff going on in class?
Who is going to distract me when I'm feeling down?


&, I'm not only scared for myself - I'm worried for my mum too!

Who's going to run errands for her?
Who's going to go shopping and have coffee with her?
Who's going to accompany her to buy CNY things?
Who's going to gossip with her?
Who's going to scold her other daughter and sons for her?


Maybe I'm thinking too highly of myself. But still, it's normally my role to accompany her.



xxx

It's time for me to grow up mum, but I'll never ever stop being your little girl. I'll always love going shopping with you and buying the whole Metrojaya. I'll always love talking and gossiping about people with you!

Don't miss me so much! I go there to learn to be more independent and strong, so that I can come back and take care of you and dad.





I don't really talk about my feelings to my parents, thanks to the extremely asian upbringing. I hope they get my message. Somehow..


Alright it's 3.37am now. What a productive 4 hour. I'm now going to sleep. Will blog about my farewell soon. It's really such a wonderful dinner!

Good night and again, HAPPY 2012! 
 

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